Tag Archives: Kelly Epperson

Guest Blogger Kelly Epperson: Gotta Get My Jolly On

kelly-epperson2I have a guest blogger today! Her name is Kelly Epperson and she’s here as part of her virtual book tour this month, but we’re doing something a little different. With the holidays here and Christmas just…uh, let me count…NINE days away…and since she’s a talented and quite funny columnist and author, I asked her to send me one of her past Christmas columns, the funnier the better.

So, grab a cup of hot toddy, light the fire in the fireplace and enjoy…

Gotta get my jolly on (from December 2007)

christmas-treeCharles Dickens conjured the Ghost of Christmas Past; what I need is the Spirit of Christmas Fast. The holidays sort of snuck up on me this year. Maybe it was the mild weather we had in November. Maybe it was the fact that Christmas decorations hit the stores Labor Day weekend so I learn to ignore them. Maybe I’m just a little too busy. Whatever the reason, it happened. Bam! The holidays are here.
Trying to get my festive frolic kindled, I spent the entire day wandering the mall and in and out of every big box store wearing a hat with mistletoe mounted and dangling over my head. Not one single person kissed me. I’m kidding. Lots of strangers kissed me. Now I’m really kidding!

santa I don’t have a mistletoe hat, but I tempted to craft one. As an experiment in human behavior, of course, not because that guy at the bookstore is kinda cute.
The truth is that my merry is not as bright this year. We didn’t get Christmas lights put up on the house. We didn’t get a real tree. We didn’t make the roll-em-out, cut-em-out, frost-em-and-eat-em-up cookies.

It is my plan to make those cookies after Christmas. My boys are on school break through January 7 so we’ll have plenty of time after December 25. There’s no rule that states every celebration must culminate on that particular date. If the hype can start months in advance, a few days of holiday food after the deadline certainly is okay.

snowman Since I broke tradition with an artificial, pre-lit tree, it’s also okay to keep my tree up longer. All year long, if I like. Decked in pink and white, it’s sparkly and glittery. Quite lovely and romantic, perfect for Valentine’s Day.
I wrapped all the presents in one whirlwind sprint. In my rush, I did not play my Christmas tunes. I did not go crazy with bows and ribbons. I did not have a coordinating colored paper theme. And it didn’t bother me. I didn’t feel Scroogey, just…normal.

I’m not Bah Humbug, but I wanted to feel a little more HOHOHO.

I had a gal paint quotes on my kitchen walls (Angie-the-Artist is Amazing). Facing the table is the instruction “Eat, Drink & Be Merry.” That’s not just a holiday only entreaty.

Every day is a day to eat, drink and be merry. I don’t have to feel festive because the calendar tells me that I must. I can be pretty darn jolly all year, with or without “seasonal” decorations.

As Christmas Eve hostess for my extended family, I added cage bingo to the mix of games and found some “fabulous” prizes. The mini Thomas Kinkade calendar was bought with my aunt in mind. It was my hope that my college-aged nephew would go back to campus with the Elmo plate that says “Hurray for you!” The armband tattoo would be a hoot for Grandma. Silly and jolly are synonymous for me.

The holidays have been less stressful because I don’t feel obligated to “do it all.” There is no quota for cheer. Or cookies. We can make merry and bright all year long. And to the guy in my neighborhood who keeps the Christmas lights on through March, I won’t say a word this year. Rock on, dude.

Charles Dickens’ famous ghosts have stood the test of time. His quotes have as well. “I will honor Christmas in my heart, and try to keep it all the year.”

Me too, Charles. Me too.

when-life-stinks2Kelly Epperson has been dubbed “Everywoman” and “Rare woman” in the same breath. Kelly’s style is uniquely her own, yet she can relate to all of us. Her weekly columns of life, real everyday life as well as travels through Europe, bring a warmth and a wit that we all long for.

Leaving her job at the IRS ten years ago (it was “sucking the life out of her”), she then embarked on a new career, and served as resident court jester, at a local nonprofit agency that taught English and reading to adults.

Kelly’s motto and quote that hangs over her desk is “To love what you do and feel that it matters – how could anything be more fun?!” After a year in France, Kelly returned to the states and launched a fulltime career of writer, ghostwriter, and speaker. Every day, she does the happy dance in her kitchen.

To maintain connection and spread a little joy with friends, family, and readers, Kelly recently started a weekly “happy mail” – When Life Stinks, Find Your Joy. To check it out, send Kelly an email to kel_epperson@yahoo.com.

Kelly lives in Loves Park, IL (city with a heart) with The Man of the Place, her two teenage sons, who are brilliant and witty of course, and a sweet dog Starburst who sheds like crazy. FYI-Kelly hates dog hair, hence, the essay, “It’s Not Easy Being Cruella DeVil.”

For more info, please visit www.whenlifestinks.com.

WHEN LIFE STINKS VIRTUAL BOOK TOUR ’08 will officially begin on December 1 and end on December 23. You can visit Kelly’s blog stops at www.virtualbooktours.wordpress.com in December to find out where she is appearing!

As a special promotion for all our authors, Pump Up Your Book Promotion is giving away a FREE virtual book tour to a published author or a $50 Amazon gift certificate to those not published who comments on our authors’ blog stops. More prizes will be announced as they become available. The winner(s) will be announced at the end of every month!

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Virtual Book Tour: Introducing Humor Writer and author Kelly Epperson

I am so excited about today’s guest author here today at As the Pages Turn!

Kelly Epperson, author of When Life Stinks, It’s Time to Wash the Gym Clothes, is here with a brand new v-log talking about her book in one of the most….um…unlikely places….in Santa Claus’ lap! You heard it right! Kelly is on a virtual book tour with Pump Up Your Book Promotion and had this terrific idea…I won’t spoil it…watch!

Wasn’t Santa a good sport????

Here’s more about Kelly and her new book!

About the Author:

kelly-epperson1Kelly Epperson has been dubbed “Everywoman” and “Rare woman” in the same breath. Kelly’s style is uniquely her own, yet she can relate to all of us. Her weekly columns of life, real everyday life as well as travels through Europe, bring a warmth and a wit that we all long for.

Leaving her job at the IRS ten years ago (it was “sucking the life out of her”), she then embarked on a new career, and served as resident court jester, at a local nonprofit agency that taught English and reading to adults.

Kelly’s motto and quote that hangs over her desk is “To love what you do and feel that it matters – how could anything be more fun?!” After a year in France, Kelly returned to the states and launched a fulltime career of writer, ghostwriter, and speaker. Every day, she does the happy dance in her kitchen.

To maintain connection and spread a little joy with friends, family, and readers, Kelly recently started a weekly “happy mail” – When Life Stinks, Find Your Joy. To check it out, send Kelly an email to kel_epperson@yahoo.com.

Kelly lives in Loves Park, IL (city with a heart) with The Man of the Place, her two teenage sons, who are brilliant and witty of course, and a sweet dog Starburst who sheds like crazy. FYI-Kelly hates dog hair, hence, the essay, “It’s Not Easy Being Cruella DeVil.”

For more info, please visit www.whenlifestinks.com.

About the Book:

when-life-stinks1Kelly Epperson, former IRS agent turned English as Second Language teacher turned writer and speaker, unabashedly tells it like it is, heartwarming and hilarious. From tales of life in France to going blonde to buttwear, you’ll bust out laughing, you’ll get a little misty, and you’ll be sad when this little book comes to an end.

When Life Stinks, It’s Time to Wash the Gym Clothes is a collection of her newspaper columns and no topic is taboo. From the “Job Hazards of Parenting” to “Mysteries of IQ Testing Revealed” to “The Scary, Hairy French Doctor,” you’ll share a hearty laugh as Kelly’s conversational style makes you feel you are a part of the happenings. She also grabs your heart with poignant tales of walking the D-day landing beaches, Grandma O, and her reflections as the days in France come to a close.

Kelly’s fans call her writing “witty, pithy, and real.” A freelance columnist since 2001, Kelly viewed her writing gig as a soul-fulfilling side job. The year in France was a break from reality that propelled her into a new career, that of fulltime writer, ghostwriter and speaker.

In an interview, Kelly states, “Ghostwriting – writing for others under their name – is a fascinating job, and I’ve written for New York Times best selling authors. But to have a book in my own name with no confidentiality clauses is a joy.” Kelly, always the dreamer, may see her name on the New York Times list someday.

Loyal readers are already screaming for more. “Words can’t describe how great your writing makes others feel.” Kelly’s essays are called charming and delightful, and her favorite, “a hoot.”

Some people devour her debut book in one sitting and others savor an essay a day. When Life Stinks, It’s Time to Wash the Gym Clothes reads like a letter to a friend because that is how Kelly sees her readers. In fact, she is now organizing a trip to Ireland with her readers!

Beautiful, inspiring, funny, When Life Stinks defies categories. Certainly women feel a kindred soul, but men too are captivated by Kelly’s writing. All ages too find a warmth and a wit that they can relate to; if ever there was a perfect gift for anyone at any time of year, it is When Life Stinks, It’s Time to Wash the Gym Clothes.

Excerpt:

The Message Is: “Look At My Butt”

They’re everywhere. I thought it was a passing fad, but this fashion statement is sticking around. Teenage girls wear sweat pants with words emblazoned across the rear end. No matter the word, “Cute,” “UCLA,” or “Pinch Me,” the real message is “look at my butt.”

I shake my head with envy. Do it while you can, girls.

My fashion consultants, my boys, tell me I could wear sweats like that. “BIG” or “WIDE LOAD” tickle their fancy. They think “Danger: Hazardous Gas” would be hilarious. I think “Made You Look” would be clever.

As women age, more words fit on the gluteus maximus. The classic, “Does this make my butt look fat?” could be popular. Depending upon my mood, I’d wear “Yeah, baby, I still got it,” or “Thanks! No one has checked out my butt since 8th grade.”

Mother-daughter sweats could become a trend. Daughter butt: CHEER. Mom butt: “Would you believe this butt used to fit into a cheerleader skirt?” Mess with minds by stating “Objects in sweat pants are smaller than they appear.” Just for fun, print in vertical letters: Cheek 2 Cheek.

Certain communities are banning billboards so I predict derriere advertising will be common in the future. Young girls can make bucks renting their rumps to Nike with a big swoosh on the tush. Your daughter could earn cash for college by plastering Heineken on her heinie. The Army could attract more recruits with “Be all you can be” brandished on All-American behinds.

It’s bumper stickers, plain and simple. My more mature bumper could work for Jell-o.™ See it wiggle; see it jiggle. Plastic surgeons could drum up business for lipo suction: 1-800-SUCK-FAT. Fitness clubs could do a dual campaign. Tight buns wear “Gold’s Gym.” Doughy buns wear “Gold’s Gym? Is that next to the donut shop?” Sort of the opposite of the old public service ad, “this is your brain/this is your brain on drugs.” This is your butt at Gold’s; this is your butt if you don’t go to Gold’s.

Certain songwriters think bigger is better regarding the backside. Their lyrics could result in size appropriate butt wear slogans. Small: “Bootylicious.” Medium: “I like big butts, and I cannot lie.” Large: “Fat bottom girls, you make the rockin’ world go round.”

“If you don’t use it, you lose it” does not apply to butts. If you don’t use it, you get a whole lot more of it. Sit on it and it will grow. My butt used to be a separate entity from my legs. Over time, they have merged into a new flesh I call the “bleg,” the combined area of drooping butt into upper leg.

I need a butt bra to lift and separate my butt from my leg, giving me back the fanny of my youth. Bleg be gone. Then I’ll wear words across the seat of my pants: “The butt stops here.”

Review:

Kelly Epperson proudly displays her dirty laundry on the pages of When Life Stinks, It’s Time to Wash the Gym Clothes. A collection of her famed newspaper columns, the book is a series of heartfelt observations and a well-balanced start for a brilliant writer. This is the kind of book that could easily launch an entire series of collections. It’s light and warm-hearted, yet unmistakably comprehensive and soulful.

–R. Pulfer, Rockford Review

WHEN LIFE STINKS VIRTUAL BOOK TOUR ’08 will officially begin on December 1 and end on December 23. You can visit Kelly’s blog stops at www.virtualbooktours.wordpress.com in December to find out where she is appearing!

As a special promotion for all our authors, Pump Up Your Book Promotion is giving away a FREE virtual book tour to a published author or a $50 Amazon gift certificate to those not published who comments on our authors’ blog stops. More prizes will be announced as they become available. The winner(s) will be announced at the end of every month!

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In the Mailbox: WHEN LIFE STINKS, IT’S TIME TO WASH THE GYM CLOTHES by Kelly Epperson

I have a new client over at Pump Up Your Book Promotion named Kelly Epperson.  Kelly will be touring with her book, When Life Stinks, It’s Time to Wash the Gym Clothes, which is, as you guessed, a collection of humor stories.  Actually, they’re from her columns she wrote over the years which she gathered the best of to put in this darling book.

I say darling because already I’m smitten.  Man, I hate that.  I went in with my serious face and I swore to myself I wasn’t going to laugh out loud unless it was really funny.  Damn, page 13 was as far as I got when the LOL attack hit.

She writes, “I must admit that buying the Carpenters’ CD made me smile.  I was banished to the bedroom to enjoy my new purchase.  I cranked my boom box (okay, I guess one does not really “crank” the Carpenters), and surprisingly I remembered every word to songs I had long forgotten.  I grabbed my hairbrush microphone to lip sync for my boys.  They went scurrying for Daddy.  ‘Help! Mom is acting weird!'”

I know the reason why I laughed.  I could relate.  If a reviewer (or reader) can instantly relate, you’ve gone past first base.  I’ll be talking about Kelly’s book in future posts, but I’ll let you know if I hit a home run.  Something tells me, she’s not going to let me down.

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