Chapter Reveal: ‘Curse of the Blue Vagina’ by Jonisha Rios

blue vagina cover (jpeg) (1).jpgTitle: CURSE OF THE BLUE VAGINA
Genre: WOMEN’S FICTION/ HUMOR 
Author: JONISHA RIOS
Website: CURSE OF THE BLUE VAGINA.COM
Publisher:  Leticia Gomez Publisher/Cafe con Leche Books
I bet you’re wondering why I’m sitting in a cramped
jail cell wearing my wedding dress the morning
of my Big Day. Well, I sorta lost it at breakfast.
Only I would never actually hurt anyone. Besides I’m
Latina. I’m a good person by nature. Contrary to what
most people think, we aren’t all hot-tempered, that is,
unless you did something to seriously piss us off. What
were they thinking locking me up like this? I mean if the
people at the IHOP thought I could kill anyone with a
spork, then they’re crazier than I am. A spork wouldn’t
even pierce the skin. Trust me I know. My sister tried
stabbing me with one after I ate the last chocolate Jell-
O-pudding pop when we were kids.
 
In exactly two hours and forty-five minutes, I’m
scheduled to become Mrs. Ray Lopez. The title of Mrs.
is a big deal in my Nuyorican family because it means
that not only would I escape life as an old maid, but also
that the rumors of me being gay would finally be laid to
rest. I’m set to get married at a low-key chapel called
Saint Luke’s. It’s the only church in town that typically
takes in more funeral services than weddings. Sure,
Uncle Paco and a string of other dead relatives had been
carried down that aisle before me. Who cares? I’m determined
to make my “Special Day” happen come hell
or come high water. Besides, the church was in need of
some money so I booked it for a steal of a deal.
 
I’m running out of time and the officer out there refused
to let me make my one phone call, until I “calm
down,” so everyone at the church will probably think I
went AWOL. Oh well, fuck it, at least now I get to have
some time to be by myself and get to the bottom of my
meltdown.
 
 
 
My relationship with Ray has never been smooth or
easy. In fact, lately it seems like we’ve been apart longer
than we’ve been together. Thing is, despite that, I thought
we had our shit together and were moving ahead. Now I
may never get married, and it’s all because of the Curse
of the Blue Vagina!
 
“What is that?” you ask. To put it simply the Curse
of the Blue Vagina is to women what Blue Balls are to
men. Problem is when men get “Blue Balls”, they are
left physically unsatisfied, which is temporary, and
when women get the “Blue Vagina”, they are left
emotionally unsatisfied, which lasts forever.
 
You may think that this Curse is total nonsense,
but it’s not, it’s very real it causes your vag to turn a bluish-tinted
color that creates a recurring painful sensation that
ultimately leads to heartbreak. And it is not to be
confused with Bacterial Vaginosis or the Blue Waffle
Disease that creates a similar blue discoloration.
No! This kind of BV comes with its own different
set of symptoms along with a plethora of blue shades
to match that ultimately take an emotional toll
on you. To make matters worse, it only seems to
affect a certain portion of the Latina population.
(Mostly those of us who were raised in
conservative Catholic families, where guilt is part of
our natural upbringing.)
It is said when you have BV, not even El Cuco
himself will come and haunt you. You become like a
walking stick of dynamite. Don’t even think about
making yourself all cozy on Abuelitas plastic covered
couch because you’re likely to burn a hole right
through it.
This is not some old wives’ tale either. There’s
a documented history of women out there who have
devastating stories to tell. If you don’t believe me, just
go to your local Santera, and she’ll pull out a dusty old
book, something as fearsome and heavy as the Bible.
In there is where all our sisters have gone astray. If you
don’t pay attention to how you’re living your life, it will
strike you down like the plague.
It’s horrible. Your mind gets all fuzzy and your heart
starts palpitating. Your stomach feels like you have but-
terflies fluttering then dive-bombing to their death.
This ain’t nerves. Your body gets rocked by convulsions
like it’s expelling the very devil himself.
And here is the kicker—apparently I’m stuck
with this unless I find out what caused it, and break the
spell once and for all. The Curse came back to haunt
me last night at my bachelorette party.

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